My dearest Martha:
My heart almost stopped when I heard these words leave your lips. "If only... " I thought as I lied to you, saying that I had everything I could possibly want. I write this to you with great fear of your reaction, but I believe it is time to stop hiding what is burning within me, and to start being open with you.
Do not think the worst as you read these words. I am not having an affair, nor do I have any desire to. I love you more than anything in the world, and worship the ground you walk on. However, I am cheating on you regularly both in my thoughts and in a very bad habit I have had since I was a teen. I want to stop, but cannot, as there is something I crave that goes beyond our regular love making. I have hinted this to you on several occasions, but your reaction each time was to treat it as a passing fancy, and eventually put it out of your mind. So I continue living a fantasy life on my own, very much regretting that you are not the center of it.
To put it in simple words, I am pussy whipped. Google defines this to be "a situation where a male is undeniably at the mercy of his high-maintenance girlfriend/wife and answers to her every beck and call." It is this way with me, but much more.
I know that you have wondered why I was not like the other men you dated in regards to sex. You've said that you never understood how I can spend hours licking you to orgasm without climaxing myself. I've explained to you that my sexual high is at its peak when I am doing this to you, and I do not want to come down from it by cumming. All men lose interest in sex after they orgasm, and I am no different. I love to climax, but hate what it does to me. Therefore I try to limit it. The problem is that I often take things into my own hands ... literally. Whenever I get a chance I am cruising porn sites and reading erotic literature. Often in bed, when you are still up and about, I begin fantasizing, and before you know it, I've gone over the edge. I am ashamed afterward, and often feel depressed by this.
What do I fantasize about? Sometimes it is you, but often times it is not. You are who you are, and I love you for that. But it is easier to fantasize about certain things with other women than to imagine you doing the things that turn me on the most. It is not that I don't think you are gorgeous, sexy, and desirable. On the contrary, I think of you in all these ways. But your reaction to my hinting in the past has put in my mind that these things are very silly. That's why I fear rejection by letting you in on all of this. If you tell me honestly that this is not for you, I will do my best to put it away for good. I love you too much to let anything come between us, and I know deep down in my heart that I would rather die than to live out my fantasies with someone else.
So what am I talking about? Sexual control and teasing. Not just for a night, or a weekend, but long-term. When I read of women who lock up their husbands in chastity cages, and then tease them unmercifully about it, my heart beats a mile a minute. I yearn for you deciding if and when I orgasm, and teasing me about this power you have over me, while you enjoy all the pleasures your body has to offer you whenever you wish. I long to know how if feels to pamper you with foot rubs and messages while my sexual excitement is at its peak, but kept from being relieved. I dream of you taking advantage of this power and control in order to motivate me to be a better husband and father at home, a better employee at work, and an overall better person everywhere.
Even more exciting is when I read about women using their bodies to tease their men. For me, being pussy whipped means an addiction to your pussy. I can't get enough of its beauty, its aroma and its taste. And because of this addiction, I could never resist other parts of your body and their natural fragrances, if presented to me. My addiction of your vagina makes me crave all of you; especially the nooks and crannies.
In the stories I've read, the women know how much their pussy's turn-on their husbands, and they use this knowledge to drive them crazy with lust. Whenever she wants something from their man, she asks him while he's staring at her pussy. He can't say no, knowing the power it has over him. These women also settle all arguments by presenting their assets in their man's face, clad in the sexiest of underwear.
You would not believe how much power your worn panties have held over me over our marriage years, as they hold the essence of what I hunger after. Whenever I spied them rolled up in a ball in our hamper, I'd go weak in the knees. It was usually at these times when I selfishly acted alone in my pleasure, while inhaling their intoxicating fragrance. I can only imagine the sweet frustration of you teasing me with them while locked and being denied of any relief.
I have often wondered what I would decide if you gave me the following choice after being denied for three or more weeks: being unlocked and allowed to orgasm, but not being able to lick your pussy, or more orgasm denial and hours of pussy licking. I tend to think that I could not handle being denied your vagina, so I probably would sentence myself to more sweet sexual frustration.
There is a website that you can visit in order to read the stories I speak of, if you are interested. Shortcuts have been added to the "favorites" folder on our computer for the stories that I found most exciting. The website offers many variations of locked and denied themes. Just so you are clear on how far these cravings go, I am not excited by pain and humiliation. I do not desire to wear womens' clothing, and I do not wish that others know of what happens behind our closed door.
I offer this letter to you only for your consideration. As I have stated above, I can and will live without these fantasies if that is your wish, because my love for you goes beyond all else.